8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
