I smell stomach acid.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
