Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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