We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
