I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
