I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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