when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
