you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
