Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
