I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
