If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
