it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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