what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
