between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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