she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
