The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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