On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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