I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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