Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
