dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I need a beard to bite.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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