Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
