how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I could fuck to npr.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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