remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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