Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
