life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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