I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
