Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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