I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
smell my finger.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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