I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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