I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
