if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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