I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
