I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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