I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
