I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
