white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
