I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
