So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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