I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
