i already hear my dad disowning me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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