I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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