forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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