I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
