bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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