quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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