Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
