Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i believe in u and ur pee
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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