I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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