i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
