It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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