Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
