$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
