actually, I'm a sock model
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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