it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you made out with another girl for some wings
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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