Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
