Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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