I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
