last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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