the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
