Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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